Look out! We’re about to be hit by the year-end avalanche of holiday parties, gatherings, meals and visitors. Preparing for the onslaught will include inviting, responding, cleaning, cooking, shopping, decorating and wrapping, but don’t forget to take inventory of your manners. Throughout the holidays, you will play the role of guest and host, and here’s a courtesy checklist that will help you when playing either part.
GUEST GAMEPLAN
1. Respond to invitations and do so promptly. It is rude to set aside an invitation and wait to see if you get a better offer. When you do respond, always ask if you may help in some way or may bring something to contribute to the festivities. Uninvited companions or pets should not be included in the may-I-bring-something conversation.
2. If you do not know your host extremely well, don’t ask who else has been invited. It may sound as if that information will be a critical factor in whether or not you attend. You may ask about the number of guests your host is expecting, because that might relate to the quantity of your contribution of food, beverage or other supplies.
3. Determine appropriate attire for the event. You don’t want to be underdressed or overdressed because you’ll be uncomfortable in either circumstance. If you have no way of checking on what to wear, it is better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed. By doing so, you will show respect for the host, the occasion and other guests.
4. If an invitation states “No Gifts”, don’t bring a gift to a gathering even if you think you will give it to your host when others aren’t looking. Respect the wishes of your host. If you feel compelled to give your host a gift, send it after the gathering as a thank you. If “No Gifts” is not stated on the invitation, you may bring a gift that is either specific to the occasion or a general host/hostess gift. When choosing host gifts, avoid cut flowers and other gifts that will require immediate attention. And never bring a bottle of wine or food that has not been requested with the expectation that it will be consumed at that gathering. Arrive on time, but never more than 5minutes early, unless you have offered to come early to help with preparations and your host has accepted the offer. If you must arrive late, call your host to give your estimated time of arrival. Do not expect that your host will wait for you to begin food service or other activities.
5. If you are bringing food to a potluck gathering, don’t descend on your host with urgent requests for ingredients, utensils, counter or oven space or other demands that can inconvenience your host and interrupt his/her preparations or greeting duties.
6. Don’t make unsolicited suggestions such as re-arranging the seating or speeding up the proceedings because you need to leave early. Be a gracious guest and respect the plans of your host.
7. Choose your topics of conversation carefully. Holidays are not the time to re-open old wounds, reveal indiscretions or bait others to debate or argue. And don’t monopolize the time or attention of your host or a guest of honor in lengthy conversation.
8. If you have food restrictions related to allergies or religion, tell your host about them when you respond to the invitation. Don’t wait to share this information until you arrive at the gathering. And don’t bring your own food without informing your host in advance. Food preferences not related to allergies or religion should not be shared with a host unless the host asks. When attending a sit-down meal, sample all the food that a host has prepared. If you have complaints, keep them to yourself. Don’t overeat or drink too much.
9. Offer to help the host with kitchen, dining room or other tasks, but if your offer is refused respect your host’s wishes. Many hosts are not comfortable with delegating tasks for any number of reasons.
10. Make certain that your table manners are polished brightly for the holidays. Review the do’s and don’ts of dining etiquette before you take your seat. Please see my dining etiquette videos on Monkeysee.com for a refresher course that will make you comfortable and confident. http://www.monkeysee.com/searches?search=etiquette
11. Don’t go into rooms that are not part of the gathering. It’s rude to roam through someone’s home and peak into closed areas without an invitation to do so.
12. After using the restroom, leave it in good shape. Wipe water off the rim of the basin or counter top and dispose of trash in an appropriate receptacle. After grooming, don’t leave hair or makeup residue in the sink. Flush the toilet after using, and put the lid down. Wash your hands and replace cloth hand towels on a rack or place paper towels in a receptacle.
13. Never leave without thanking your host, even if the gathering is very large and it is difficult to locate the host in the throng of guests.
14. Always write a thank-you note or call to thank your host within 48 hours of the party. Email or a text message is not the way to indicate that you genuinely appreciated the invitation and the efforts of your host.
15. It is customary to reciprocate by inviting your host to a gathering that you will host in the near future.
16. Overnight guest? Never invite yourself; always respond quickly to an invitation; keep your host apprised of your arrival date and time; keep your room and bathroom clean; don’t allow your belongings to overtake the household; don’t disrupt the schedule of your host family; don’t assume that host will be your on-demand chauffeur; offer to contribute to food and beverage (see below*); help with household chores; don’t help yourself to food without an invitation to do so; ask permission before using a computer, the Internet or your host’s landline for long-distance calls; don’t roam the house in a state of undress; be discreet and silent in your amorous adventures; don’t ask to stay longer than the original plan; and leave as small a footprint (literally and figuratively) on your surroundings as possible. When you return home, write and send a thank you note immediately. If your host declined your offer of contributions of food or beverage during your visit, send a thank-you gift, as well. *Overnight guests should always arrive with food or beverage contributions. If you are flying and not able to bring food or beverage, offer to shop with your host and pay for some of the food that will be required during your stay.
HOST HOW-TO
1. Distribute invitations in a timely fashion, providing invited guests with sufficient lead time to plan their schedules. Provide specific information about travel directions, activities, length and size of gathering, suggested attire, and policy on pets. Ask about food restrictions or other special accommodations that may be required.
2. Don’t print “No Gifts” on an invitation. It is rude to focus on gifts in any manner. When guests respond to your invitation, you may say, “We have decided not to exchange gifts this year,” if that is your inclination.
3. Make certain that bathrooms are cleaned and well stocked. Provide tissue, soap, towels and a waste basket. You may want to include a bottle of hand sanitizer, as well.
4. Determine ahead of time if you will accept contributions to the menu or offers to help with preparation and clean up, and be consistent. If you accept such offers from some guests, you must accept from all. It is uncomfortable for guests to arrive empty-handed or be turned out of the kitchen when they see others contributing.
5. Check the curb, driveway, sidewalk and porch to make certain that there is sufficient lighting to guide guests and that there are no tripping hazards, icy spots, etc. Determine parking arrangements.
6. Greet guests at the door. Don’t make people wonder what to do when they arrive. If you are tied up in the kitchen or elsewhere, delegate the task of greeting to someone who can serve graciously in your stead. Have a clear plan about where to place coats, gifts, etc. Direct guests to food and beverages. Keep guests informed about the order and timing of events at the gathering.
7. Introduce guests to one another. Don’t make them fend for themselves.
8. If you are planning a cocktail period before dinner, keep it short and have food to munch with drinks. Remember that you are responsible for the liquor consumed in your home and its consequences.
9. For a seated meal, have a seating plan determined before guests head to the table.
10. Send your guests the signals that they will be looking for in regard to table etiquette. For example, it is customary for a host or hostess to take their napkin off the table immediately upon taking their seat signaling that guests may do so. Encourage guests to begin to eat or continue to eat when your preparations require that you leave the table.
11. Be attuned to your guests’ needs during the gathering or the meal.
12. Make certain that all guests are included in conversations. Private chats in a corner can make others feel uncomfortable.
13. Determine when you want the gathering to end and when that time arrives, let guests know in a subtle manner that it is time to go.
14. Try to say good bye to all guests and thank them for coming.
15. Having houseguests? Clearly establish arrival and departure times and dates and adhere to them; allow guests to contribute to food and beverage needs; place needed supplies in sleeping rooms and bathrooms; inform guests of house rules and schedule/agenda during their visit; don’t assume that guests will want to participate in everything you have planned (schedule private time for both sides); and accept a guest’s offer of assistance with household tasks.
16. Enjoy your own party. Even when you are feeling overwhelmed, try to remember why you invited guests in the first place.
